Spouse Improvement: Influence Your Partner to Change in Just 7 Steps
Everyone has something they'd like to change in their partner. Here is a 7-step process to create a change in your partner. The key to the success of this process is that it makes your partner want to change — instead of feeling coerced.
1. MAKE A LIST of the top three behaviors your partner does that annoy you. For example, leaves messes around house, pouts, doesn't do their share of household tasks. Then select the one problem that has the best chance of your partner responding to your discomfort. You'll increase your chances for success dramatically by focusing on one problem at a time. Let's go for a big one here and say the problem is that your partner is not involved in household chores.
2. DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM in clear detail. This includes what your partner does and your reaction to the problem. For example: "Honey, there is a problem I need to discuss with you. When you come home from work and start reading the mail, change your clothes, or turn on the news without looking around and noticing the kids are cranky, squalling for dinner, and I'm really busy making dinner, I see you as a blind and insensitive clod."
3. DESCRIBE YOUR REACTION to the problem. "When you act so oblivious, I think you care much more about responding to your own needs first and foremost, and you pitch in only when it is convenient for you. I feel angry, alone, and resentful. When I feel that way I end up being chilly to you and withdrawing any affection. I don't like how I react but that is what I have been doing."
Here is the "formula" for describing the problem. A) You have specified the behavior of "not being involved in household chores" by giving specific examples. B) You have given your reaction to it by stating: "when you do (the behavior) I think_____ (you're inconsiderate...) and feel _____ (angry, alone, resentful), and then I do _____ (withhold affection). It is important to let your partner know what your complete response is to the behavior that is a problem. Especially let them know what you do when you think and feel the way you do. This really informs your partner of the consequence to them when they do the undesired behavior. Include in your reaction the meaning of the problem for you. For example, lack of involvement in household tasks represents not being loved, respected, or valued.
4. BE EMPATHETIC. Tell your partner why you think it would be hard for them to change the undesired behavior. This lets them know you see the problem from both perspectives and that you have an appreciation for what you're asking them to change. For example, "Honey, I think pitching in when you get home would be difficult because you feel depleted and want some time to yourself in order to regenerate. I think pitching in at the level I want is a lot to ask of you."
5. DESCRIBE HOW YOU WILL HELP. Because you're not just going to make a request and then hope for the best, the next step is to describe what you will do to help your partner make the change you want. For example, "Honey, your pitching in when you get home is so important to me that I will do _____________ ." (Fill in here what you think will be a high motivator for your partner to make the requested change.)
6. ASK IF THEY ARE WILLING to make the change you're requesting. Are you willing to get involved in household chores? They may agree to all or part or none of your request. They might say "no" to you but would be more willing to consider the change if you offered a different motivator or inducement to change. Then you can decide if it is worth your efforts.
7. FIND OUT WHY. Regardless of whether they are willing to change or not, ask why. Knowing why they are willing to change will help you understand what motivates them. You'll be able to encourage them more effectively along the way. If they don't want to change, finding out why not will help you determine how to move forward. In that case you still have two more options. One, you can ask if this is a temporary or more permanent position. If it seems there will be no change for now, let them know the consequences — how you think, feel and act — and then drop it for now. The second option is to go to the second problem on your list and repeat the sequence described above.
Of course the biggest improvements in a couples' relationship come when both people change and grow. But there are often things you'd like your partner to change, and this format helps you do it in a way that supports both of you. If you'd like more help, consider attending "Coming from your Heart" at The Couples Institute. Here you will learn lots of practical, innovative strategies for relationship improvement.
For more than 20 years, Peter Pearson, Ph.D. has specialized in helping couples transform their relationships. He and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For information on workshops, visit The Couples Institute.
career aptitude test, careers, jobs, training, resumes, free career personality test
Home Plans
ChooseHomePlan.com for your next dream house!
Related Articles:
Almeda University Degrees Upgrade Education for Career Advancement
Climbing the ladder in many career paths requires upgrading to hire levels of education - degrees and skills updates. Almeda University offers flexibility and affordability for a practical solution to upgrading education mid-career to open the doors to more opportunities.
College Education and Degrees More Important As Economy Slows Say Job Seekers and Employers
Advanced education and a campus or online degree is no longer a requirement only for career-track employees. Increasingly it is a necessity just to get a job. New research shows that employers across fields as diverse as criminal justice, business, retail, hospitality, accounting education and nursing are insisting that applicants have more than a high school education.
CivilianJobs.com Announces Build-Your-Own Job Fair Package for 2008 Military Job Fairs Schedule
CivilianJobs.com Military Job Fairs put transitioning military and ex-military job seekers face-to-face with civilian employers.
Newly Launched Job Skills Test Helps College Seniors and Recent Graduates Find the Right Career
Career assessment tool compares the results of college seniors.
Recession-Resistant Jobs: Free Guide to High-Demand Fire Protection Engineering Careers Available
The median salary of fire protection engineers is $98,000 plus benefits, and the demand for qualified engineers outpaces the supply. A free publication, the Guide to Careers in Fire Protection Engineering, is a great starting point for students who already want a career in engineering, but are unsure of which specialty is right for them.
Connecticut Teen Launches First Telework Jobs Website for High School and College Students
Daughter of Founder of Virtual Assistant Industry Follows in Mother's Footsteps, Spreading Telework in "Millennials" Generation
Life Experience Degree Program at Almeda University Offers Career Guidance, Online University Degrees and Job Seeking Assistance for Qualified Student
Students concerned about the economy find assistance with career choices and job seeking with Almeda University's new series on guides to earning a life experience degree online.
FutureResume.com Hires Nationwide Sales Team With Job Seekers Showcased in Video Resume Introductions
FutureResume.com, the unique new job board that uses video resume, the Internet and videoconferencing to let job seekers stand out from the crowd and employers experience a candidate?s personality and professionalism before the interview, today announced that it is using its own technology to hire a national sales team as well as other select positions. Interested candidates only have to go to FutureResume.com, click on the ?FutureResume.com is hiring? link, and follow steps to prepare their one- to two-minute video resume introductions. Company executives will review the job seeker videos and resumes and select finalists based on the personality and purpose expressed by the candidate.
Eduventures Study Helps Colleges and Universities Understand Growing Complexity of Online Higher Education Market
As the online higher education continues its transformation - moving from the periphery to the mainstream - schools offering online programming will find themselves competing in an increasingly complex market, according to Eduventures' latest report, Understanding the National Online Higher Education Market.
Careers-Changing Jobs: The Fantasy of the Ideal Job
Most people would agree that the concept of a job today is vastly different from that of 20 years ago. Organisations are changing at speed, technology has changed the face and pace of work, and globalisation is pushing every business to examine it's operations in a totally different context.
"College Degree Preferred": College Graduates Earn Higher Salaries Austin's National American University Talks Salaries
National American University (NAU), a fully accredited, four-year university with bachelor's, associate and master's level degrees, is helping Austinites increase their income by providing flexible degree programs that are tailored for working individuals and people with busy lives.
Profiles International Helps Organizations Improve Employment Hiring Odds by Offering Free Job Match Assessment
Profiles International announced today a special promotion for companies wanting to improve the quality of their hiring decisions. For a limited time, Profiles is inviting these companies to try a free online assessment with an existing employee or job candidate. This offer is part of Profiles' effort to help organizations increase the effectiveness of their employment hiring practices and improve employee engagement.
Almeda University Degrees Help Students to Reach Higher in Their Careers
As the demand for education increases among employers, Almeda University graduates are staying ahead of the game by opening doors available only to those with a college degree on their resume.
Washington LEAPS High School Hosts Career and Job Fair, May 21
The Washington High School of Law Education and Public Service (LEAPS) hosted a Career and Job fair for its students on May 21 at the school, 2525 N. Sherman Boulevard, Room 285. LEAPS focuses on preparing students for careers in law, finance and public service.
Higher Education Retention Survey Reveals Toughest Challenges Exist Early in Students' College Career
Respondents to EducationDynamics survey also disclose key tools for keeping students on track.